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Thank you Esther. I wish I watched this Podcast before my fight this weekend. The way in which my partner approached me, I felt attacked. Before we knew it we were throwing the 'kitchen sink' at each other, and I lost focus as to what we were truly arguing about. I will remember this for any future disagreements.

Humour based on untruth or a generalisation just isn't funny, for me. Maybe some who find it true will laugh, but not everyone will. Ambogupis loss! Wow. Recently I was talking to my daughter and noticed that she was on her phone, not to one of her children, but playing solitaire!

This is the stupidest advice ever!

My ex would constantly tell me that he wanted to be with me forever. I would tell him that we should just go one step at a time, one day at a time. Now, we split up. We spent just under four years together. You are very correct. There’s no certainty in this. Spending time with the person will determine largely whether or not you want them in your life, that is, if you’re not blind sided by the inevitable red flags that pop up.

Well my wife, after 10 years of marriage decided to weapon-ize sex. Denied me love and affection for sometimes the most minor or imaginary infraction. I got tired of being in the dog house and went out and had 2 purely sexual encounters, no love affair. Now I’m a cheater and for the past 15 years she still brings it up. I’ve been a good father, provider and husband otherwise. Quite honestly I’m sick and tired of the cheater label and all the whining that goes along with it. Sometimes sex is just sex! Some women get upset if their man just rubs one out, but it’s okay if they have a B.O.B or dildo in their nightstand. Relationships are so disappointing and seems to be a main component of most Dateline shows.

I pray to heal, because I don’t like being like this; I don’t want to be the bickering woman. I don’t want to be non compassionate person, even though I think I am. A reality of not being kind at all yet thinking you are is WILD! I would rather be kind and loving and state my need with maturity not throw a temper tantrum.

😮Thank you for acknowledging that infidelity affects adult children. I am 40 years old with a husband and three children. 2 years ago I discovered by accident that my father was having an affair with a married woman in her late 20's. The news devastated and disgusted me. For the first time in my life I needed therapy to help organize my thoughts, I struggled to focus on my own family as I continued to watch my father live a double life and hurt my mother. I finally got the courage after months to confront my father but he denied everything even though I had evidence. Then the next morning he told me that he confessed everything to my mother and for me to stay out of it or I would hurt her more. To this day I don't think he told her the truth. The three of them continue to work at the same place of business and my mother thinks that since she recently had a child that the relationship has ended. My father continues to work the night shift with this woman and works "overtime" while my mother is oblivious that the two of them are still heavily involved. What hurts the most is that they continue this affair right under my mother's nose and she believes whatever lies my father tells her. Although my father hasn't left my mother, they continue in this unhealthy toxic marriage. They constantly fight over stupid things whenever I'm around but refuse to address the real issues they have. My brother and I are both highly aware of what's going on but my parents want us to act like everything is perfectly normal to maintain this fake image. The worst part is that my father attends the same church as us and I know his secrets. I pray for him all the time that he will one day stop living this life of sin. Infidelity is really hard on adult children.

Kinda wished this video got more into the how (as the title suggests) and less on the what

All about insecurities and not being honest with yourself. If someone thinks that his wife is bossing that means he just has to realize she’s not his mom.

The grass is only greener down stream of the septic tank…

She’s incredible

Wow!!!!! I needed to hear that !!!!! Thank you :(

What is your top priority?

If you're a standard female, you keep nagging about everything of course.

Just leave them. Breakup and run . It's not the goal of our lives to tolerate mentally ill people. ❤😊

Why is it even called performance anxiety? S** is not corn, so why is the role of a man in a normal s**ual situation expected to be an act of p***ified sexual acts, rather than two people just communicating

21:53 makes more sense now after watching the What Now Podcast with Trevor Noah, the Kevin Hart episode. 🙆🏾🔥 I’m just glad that he is aware, and we literally share that in common. Nothing beats self awareness! All the best on your listening skill acquisition.

You are both amazing 🤩 😂❤❤

Oh, definitely. The first time they spilled the beans, it wasn't for nothing, it was for testing you. They were already ready to part ways with you, but you said "that's OK"

Mary more to find an overarching companion

That’s impossible with an avoidant..can’t take shame.

A great conversation, thanks Esther (and Margie!)

I love how you are reconnecting the village . BRAVO

The trust will come back by talking about the trust issues the person has. So facing your fears will make it smaller. But the partner needs to be empathetic. Nice advice

I don’t know how many times I was beaten as a kid because my parents got into an argument that started because of some stupid meaningless BS like who was or wasn’t on some sitcom 30 years ago or how many cycles a washing machine has… and when I say “beat” I don’t mean “spanked” I mean picked up by your hair and thrown across the living room and then having to run back towards my dad because the stairs to my bedroom where in between us only to find that a significant chunk of my hair is laying on the floor at the foot of the stairs. I challenge any couple out there, if they really love each other, when the next argument starts to immediately call themselves out. NOT ONE ANOTHER but THEMSELVES, it takes 2 to fight. And ask each other “is what we’re arguing about even worth it?”, “can either one of us even do anything about what it is we’re arguing about?” I’m sure that most would find that 9 times out of 10 they’re both wrong for giving something so trivial any attention at all. And if one of the two people in that relationship doesn’t want to at least try this then the other should move on.

She said: "The ground is moving Carl" ❤

I recently went through a tough breakup. My 5-year relationship ended a month ago, and it's been really hard for me. I still love my ex-girlfriend so much and can't stop thinking about her. I've tried everything to win her back, but nothing has worked. It's frustrating, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've been trying to move on, but I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I know it might sound strange to share this here, but I miss her a lot and just can't stop thinking about her.

I'm watching for a third time! I love these two extremely thoughtful people learning from each other. They combine play and seriousness....

My boyfriend walks around like a headless chicken in live and then relies on others to help him overcome his problems. I feel to responsible so I want to do it. It tires me out. Do others know how this feels like? Because i feel very alone in this.

I love Trevor Noah, but does anyone else feel like he is doing a bit too much mansplaining. Admittedly I tuned in to hear ester Perel and I was more in the mood for her wisdom. But I wish she had more of the airtime here, but she’s getting shut down but being super gracious about it.

Perfect ❤

Wish you had been specific

Ambiguous loss- the grief of being present but not seen, heard, appreciated=lack of full human connection. Let’s make this a lesson for our children.

And how de you do it ?

god damn you're so smart, Esther ! When I think I learned and understood most of the big topics around relationships, you bring a new layer to it. I'm 30 and out of my 6 yr old relationship I ended an year ago. Since I just nourished myself with articles, books, podcasts, magazines about relationships and psychology. I am very curious by nature so people used to tell me "you put too many questions", "you are too curious", even guys i dated that, one in particular that was very smart, worked as a physics engineer and that i really liked told me that I shouldn't always ask "why" because there isn't always an answer. This is when the topic about values came in, because I wanted someone financially stable and I was asking him why doesn't he take an actual job because he had the potential to be payed a lot if he worked for a company and he would have the possibility to finance his project. Only later I understood he was clinging to poverty as that was the only thing he knew and was uncomfortable at the idea of gaining actual money and have his own life. He asked the "why" question only about topics that did not put him in an uncomfortable situation. Why the world works the way it does is a cool thing to know. Why he functions the way he does is a forbidden question. Our values were not aligned and that thing went way below the financial topic, it was something deeply rooted i couldn't do anything about and he was not willing to do.

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” That was a word. Reminds me of an episode in Insecure where the therapist was talking to Molly and she asked her, ‘do you want to be right or do you want relationships?’ In any relationship we find ourselves in whether friendship, romantic, or familial we have to ask ourselves that question.

Hey ESTHER PEREL what about dating again in my 50’s my husband passed and how to start and what to do when I get there? 😮My ideas have changed in what I want due to not wanting to make anymore children but I’d love to include some for sure. Would you consider one on this topic? Or if you already have one and I have missed it would you let me know the title? Thank you I’ve learned so much about myself from you so thank you.

Let‘s talk about the betrayed who feels soiled, even violated, whose ability to trust is shattered and trashed. The lingering fears about my health. Not to mention the destruction of trust. I would never try to forgive ever again. I understand it comes from his inability to face his childhood issues or communicate authentically. I sensed it, managed to get into therapy with him, denial, blame shifting etc. I Went to look for evidence and found it but not before he had systematically demeaned me, shouted and hit me(. Don‘t you ever put the responsibility on the betrayed ever. It is a selfish destructive act. He even told our son, having an affair was a good thing! My children and I will have to learn to deal with that for the rest of our lives. He refused to divorce, then proceeded to delay and control the process. We are all paying the price of his immaturity childhood issues and absolute selfishness. He paraded his lover in front of us and she played along…Those people exist! There are some really bad personality constructs hiding behind the image of the introverted and devoted „family“ man… Cheating is a decision, it does not just happen. I am not ever sticking around to figure out what kind of cheater he is…

Infidelity is usually seen as a character flaw. But it is mostly a design flaw. If after marriage the human is designed to: * recognize humans of the opposite sex can still be attractive * very attractive humans of the opposite sex can still find you very attractive * with time you find that the relationship with your partner becomes duller * relationship with other attractive human can be extremely pleasing * Doing things in secret can be quite exciting * etc. It is clear that if you were a cold, objective, logic based person you could predict with almost certainty that infidelity is common, infidelity was common in the past, and infidelity will continue to be common in the future irrespective of society or culture. It is also evident that it will always be painful for the person that is cheated on, so this will be a never ending topic.

My father was imprisoned as a civilian in 1992 with many others. They were tortured and forced to sing at the same time. We asked him what they did after the soldiers left that basement they were kept. He said:" We laughed!". All of them beaten up but they laughed. And my psychologist, after many, many sessions, let me go saying:" You'll make it with your sense of humor and your intellect." Laughter is a cure.

What if my ex girlfriend had an affair but she left with him , and she come back after 1 year, how to fix the trust ?

2:15 this is such good advice

I'm sorry...what?!

easier said then done. im trying anything and everything, meditation, taking things slow, blindfold, dark room, light room, music, no music, not anticipating or expecting sex or pressure to perform it still manifests in a overwhelming desire in my heart and brain, but my body wont coorporate with me!!! As soon as im alone and i think of her im hard, i rush back in frint of her im soft, shes frustrated and thinks im not in to her. im begging her i am in to her, she i love her and she loves me but she is starting to give me less opportunuty to be intimate because she knows i cant perform and is sexually frustrated. I am too. I want to please her but foreplay can only go so far and she feels distant because we cant go all the way together. i feel less of a man and teying to get out of my head but i feel i am so close to lose her. its only crushing my confidence more. i told her ita been 2 years before our relationship since i have had sex. Do its been along time. have i forgot how to get turned on? dress uo, roleplay, nothing works.

Humour? I keep remembering Heinlein's approach in A Stranger In A Strange Land, when Smith describes finding out why people laugh.

Love how articulate Esther is...

My 2 favorite people Sharing stage ❤

Trevor and Esther, two Masters of their craft: human intelligence, connection, vulnerability, good fun and balanced communication at its best. Besides raising my trust level about the future of humanity, it made my day. ❤

Wow literally the only valuable suggestion here was the last 30 seconds with Esther. She’s very good at getting to the point!

The driving date could be risky unless you know them already.